No updates for 3 days, so I leave you: The Genesis, and The Secret Origin of Chrissy Kaye
Hi guys,
I have to go away to Salmon Arm B.C. for the next three days, so there will probably be no updates, because I don’t think they have Internet connection out in Nowheresville
We are going to my wife’s uncle & auntie’s 50th wedding anniversary. It is a 400 mile drive, including a ferry journey, and driving though they mountains. I dread to think how long this will take. I’ll take my digital SLR (Canon EOS 40D) though, so I should be able to get some nice pictures.
For those of you who don’t use Facebook, but enjoy a good bit of silliness, I leave you this to keep you entertained for the next few days:
The Genesis, and The Secret Origin of Chrissy Kaye
Basically, I was incredibly bored one day, and thought it would be great fun to make a fan group for my wife. From that germ of an idea has grown a fictional, insane version of her, who is a mild mannered editor by day; and a shark punching, zombie slaying, kazoo playing, super assassin by night.
You don’t actually have to be a member of Facebook to see the group, just click on http://www.facebook.com/pages/Chrissy-Kaye/24208975916. It is rather good fun. It includes ridiculous photos, insane hobbies for the character, and the Chrissy Kaye character is constantly arguing with the real life Christina Kaye!
Yesterday morning I took my 15 minute Coffee break to type up Chrissy’s Secret Origin. Gerard Jones has read this story, and told me that he enjoyed it, and that the world needs more Silliness. This of course made me grin like an idiot
Secret Origin:
Chrissy Kaye is a copywriter/editor based in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada. She is a British expatriate, and has pretty much the same accent as the Queen.
Chrissy often finds that people confuse her with the other Christina Kaye who posts here. This is understandable, because Chrissy is an imperfect, or Bizarra, clone of Christina Kaye (not to be confused with the DC owned character of Bizarro).
She was created in the laboratory of Dr. Hans Dementio for reasons as yet unknown. Hans Dementio was once a well respected Doctor in his local community, until one day someone realized that his doctorate was actually written on a napkin. In his defense he does have a PhD, but it is in Kiteology (the study of flying kites) and was earned from the University of Starbuck. Since Starbuck is a remote island in the South Pacific he obviously completed his course on the internet. He later found out that studying kite flying on the internet didn’t give him any real-world experience, and after he got a government grant to build the world’s largest kite, made from wafer thin 24 Karat gold, he crashed it on the first test flight. After this disaster, he wrote up the counterfeit Doctorate on a napkin whist drinking in a bar one night, and somehow managed to blag his way into being accepted as a heart surgeon in a major hospital.
After being ousted by the medical community Hans escaped the hospital with a large van full of expensive medical equipment. He found a cave up in the mountains, to use as his new base of operations, and set to work on his freakish genetic experiments.
Dementio would often hang out in various coffee shops, in the guise of a hobo. The aim of this was to spot girls he liked the look of, then steal their discarded paper cups. These he would take back to his lab, and attempt to extract lip skin residue off the cup rims. He would then amplify the DNA with PCR, and try to clone the chosen girl. The experiments, being scientifically unsound, often ended in disaster. Dementio would often end up creating some sort of dribbling, farting, human meat bag that would inevitably end up chasing him around the lab with it horrible pointy teeth!
One day though he came across the perfect genetic sample. He spotted Christina Kaye chowing down on some donuts at a Tim Horton’s restaurant. “Joy of joys” he thought, as he saw her wipe her lips with one of those cheap abrasive tissues that Diners always have. After she went he stole said tissue, and to his pleasant surprise, he found that, suffering from Triclomania, she had also left a decent sized pile of hair on her table.
This was the break he had been looking for. He stayed up all night working on the sample, but right at a vital part of the procedure he knocked over a bottle of Mott’s Clamato, which spilled into the life-creation broth. It was too late to halt the procedure at that time though, so Hans just had to sit back and wait for the body to form.
Several hours later Hans released the pressure value to find what he thought was a perfect clone of Christina, but he was wrong. It is suspected that the awesome spicy clam broth/tomato juice mixture of Mott’s Clamato may have caused Chrissy’s musculature and brain to form in very different ways from Christina Kaye’s. Subsequently she was quite insane, and was possessed of almost super human levels of strength.
Chrissy lived with Doctor Dementio for several months, but in an unexpected twist of fate, Dementio discovered that Chrissy seemed to have all the memories of Christina Kaye, up until that fateful morning when she enjoyed that delicious Boston Cream Donut. This presented a problem. Dementio found that Chrissy wished to return to her former life, she did not understand that she was not the same person she had been before, and she could not understand why she needed to drink Mott’s Clamato on such a regular basis. Dementio explained to her what had happened: how he cloned her, about the Clamato spill, and about the fact that she could not have her old life back. In a fit of rage Chrissy gave Dementio a super strength bear hug, crushing his bones with a strength that she did not know she had.
After recovering from the shock, and upset of this event Chrissy came to the realization that she didn’t really like Dementio after all, he was a total douche! So, she stole all his money and made her way back to civilization, leaving the corpse of Dementio to rot in peace….or so she thought. For the perverse Doctor had had the foresight to clone himself prior to that morning’s events, and it was in fact a clone that she had killed. Dementio lives on to observe his creation from afar, and waits for his opportunity to one day strike!
Chrissy used Dementio’s fortune to buy herself a nice condo, and then set about finding a job. As she had all the memories and skills of Christina Kaye, she found it pretty easy to find herself an editing/copywriter position, like she had in her pre-cloning life. Chrissy ended up being able to clone Christina Kaye’s husband, and created her own Eddie Kaye. However, whilst Edward has boyish good looks, and is super intelligent and creative, Eddie is very rugged, wears a full manly beard, and works as a lumberjack; this is of course due to good old Mott’s Clamato.
Now Chrissy uses her powers to battle of the forces of evil who are constantly struggling to take over this world. Much like Magnum P.I. receives missions from a mustachioed man called Higgins, Chrissy has her own own man who keeps his ear to the ground for her. He is named Eduardo, and has an alluring Latino-style mustache. Eduardo and Chrissy are also lovers, but Eddie doesn’t mind, because Eduardo is so damn sexy!
Eduardo became Chrissy’s adviser/lover after she saved his life one day while she was out shark punching off the coast of Belize. Eduardo was wrestling a manatee, and loosing badly when Chrissy came across him. She managed to save his life, but his right hand was lost to the beast’s maw. His life from then on has been a quest to find the manatee that ruined his career as a world famous (right handed) fencing champion, oh… and constant love making, he gets up to lots of that.
Stay tuned for the Adventures of Chrissy Kaye, to be released on a weekly basis to a computer screen near you!!!!
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